Love and loss

As we were coming home today I was thinking about several of my blog posts over the last year. Bits and pieces were floating around. Do you ever get that feeling that you just need to write, but aren’t quite sure what? Today was one of those days.

We drove past a cross on the roadside. My heart sunk as I looked closer, instantly knowing who and what is was for. It was placed at the location of the accident scene we came upon last year. Despite everyone’s best efforts a family lost a son and brother. A wife lost a husband. Friends lost a lifelong friend.

I wrote a letter to the family last year, in the hopes that I could give some closure. I was with their loved one for the most intense last moments of his life. It was something that I would have wanted if I were in their shoes. If anything ever happened to my husband, I would need to know. Did he hurt? Was he awake? Was he alone? All those questions still churned inside me today. That day and that location will always hold a place in my heart. That family will always be held in my heart. His soul will always be held in my heart. I’m a nurse and a human. I care…forever.

In stark contrast to the cross on the road, we had been with friends who just had a baby two weeks ago. Others had a baby two days ago. If you’ve been following my blog, then you know that babies are something else that gets to me.

Holding that precious little one and knowing that we will never have that. Having an inkling in my mind that it would be so nice to just have something from your own body to always have. I cried after I received the news of the baby two days ago. My heart bursts with joy and breaks with sadness.

Snuggling with a baby can take my cares away and melt away my sorrows. Well, that is only until my dysautonomia symptoms set in, because I got too hot holding the baby and got sick. Then the stark reality hit once again, and I knew that there was no way I could handle being a parent. So, I’ll just have to keep settling for the snuggling honorary aunt of the year.

This might seem like a jumbled blog today, but for me it all relates. We live in a society where we can have so much independence and freedom. We also live in a world where it can be taken away so suddenly. The choices we can make, and the consequences also come with it. Life is a gift and we need to cherish everything that comes with it. Hug your loved ones’ closer tonight. Hold them in your prayers and hearts.

Love the snuggling, caring nurse/aunt of the year…


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